Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.