Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Only short people can save us