wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]