Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
What?!?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Good morning
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Something Saturday.