[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
*cough*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
That was easy.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman