Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.