Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”