Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
getting old is fun
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.