[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?