If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
uncle dave has been through hell
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself