People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Is this you?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*pronounces fake like saké*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Ghost costume 😂
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”