“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
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For the orator and chef in all of us
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.