“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
taking June’s advice to heart
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Is your wife single?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.