Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
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Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.