I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Happy Caturday!
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.