•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”