{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
You Might Also Like
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
The biggest mystery of our time
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.