My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
You Might Also Like
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰