A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
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I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party