[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.