[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
The two types of wives
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
concern
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”