absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You Might Also Like
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.