[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.