Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated