5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I need this for my side hustle.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.