Ugh
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’