A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her