Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
sigh
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.