My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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this is me
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!