interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up