masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
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genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk