Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.