[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Teach your children to beatbox
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Don’t tell me what to do
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.