Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow