Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
You Might Also Like
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
🤣🤣💀
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: