British websites use biscuits.
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.