Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Wait a second…
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
repaired
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!