Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.