Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.