*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.