Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
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A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”