“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
6: are snakes just neck?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?