Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
hackers play passwordle
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.