nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing