america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
*watches the world burn*
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling