Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
my proudest tweet
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*