couldn’t resist
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Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I just tested negative for patience.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter