In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
You Might Also Like
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.