Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Britain be like
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Weirdos gonna weird.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race