Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?